I swear that if one more person tells me how great
Facebook is for “staying in touch,” I will fist them with a pirated copy of The Social Network.
Another favorite? “I use privacy controls, so only my ‘friends’ can see my profile.”
This one sends me into orbit. You do know that your
shit is on the World Wide motherfucking Web, right? All these sites reside in
the uncharted Wild West that is the Internet. You’re sharing this intangible
space with people whose interests include bestiality, torture, and mass murder.
So when you merrily post pictures of your newborn child on your Facebook wall for
all your “friends” and family to see, don’t forget about your neighbors down
the hall.
Who are these neighbors? Just like you, they love
using these social media forums to keep in touch and connect with others who
share their interests. While they may not be on Facebook, groups like NAMBLA
(the North American Man Boy Love Association) enjoy connecting online, as do those who share a common love for killing and eating little boys.
Think I’m being dramatic? Check out the story at the link below and read about
the recent arrest of the Largo puppeteer, one
of the good Christians residing in my neighboring town.
Feeling sad that no one responded to your Tweet
about little Johnny’s first tooth falling out? Fear not - while no one in your
real life actually gives a shit, the aforementioned parties and nameless other
derelicts that abound online will be absolutely riveted by Johnny’s gap-toothed
smile. Your pictures could very well inspire the topic of today’s chat session
and lead to a passionate dialogue on the accessorizing possibilities of baby
teeth!
 |
| Good morning, Officer! |
 |
| Just another Saturday morning! |
Bottom line? You might feel invisible/invincible
in this online community, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There’s
no gate or fence high enough to keep the ne're-do-wells away from the Internet, so you need to be careful. You must remember
that regardless of where you actually are logistically, you enter a bad
neighborhood whenever you go online and you need to act accordingly. If you
really do live in a less than savory neighborhood, you’ll understand what I’m
talking about. Perhaps you too have woken up on a Saturday morning, rubbed your
eyes, and decided to go greet the day only to be greeted with a blur of
cops and attack dogs chasing a fugitive through your backyard. Or maybe you’ve gone out to get the mail and had the misfortune of witnessing your neighbors accuse each other of having
dicks in their mouths before they subsequently become so heated over the issue that they
take to street fighting to resolve it. Or maybe not.
Regardless of whether you've had the pleasure of
dealing with situations like the ones above, I’m sure you would exercise
caution and vigilance in such an environment. You wouldn’t post your daily
itinerary on your front door because you wouldn't want to get your shit jacked. Remember that when you "check in" somewhere on Facebook, you're also letting people know where you're not - your house. You
probably also wouldn’t stuff the mailboxes in your area with pictures of you in
a bikini top and provide critical identifying information about where you work or go to
school because you don't want to recruit a stalker or a pervert.
However, it's not just strangers you need to worry about; more likely than not, there's at least a few perverts among your Facebook "friends". The young man below expresses this message much more eloquently than I ever could in his hit song, "Jackin' Off to Your Facebook Pics." I urge you to visit the link below to hear an awesome song that also serves as a powerful public service announcement. I can only hope that if you won't listen to me, you'll listen to Super Saiyan Jaylen - the self-described Jackoff Bandit - and become more selective about the pictures you post on Facebook.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_PJ3GGSh0g&noredirect=1
However, it's not just strangers you need to worry about; more likely than not, there's at least a few perverts among your Facebook "friends". The young man below expresses this message much more eloquently than I ever could in his hit song, "Jackin' Off to Your Facebook Pics." I urge you to visit the link below to hear an awesome song that also serves as a powerful public service announcement. I can only hope that if you won't listen to me, you'll listen to Super Saiyan Jaylen - the self-described Jackoff Bandit - and become more selective about the pictures you post on Facebook.
 |
| Thanks for the new Facebook pics! |
