“If I could work my will, every idiot who
goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips, should be boiled with his own
pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!”
Ebeneezer Scrooge, A Christmas Carol
Few literary characters are as unjustly demonized as Ebenezer Scrooge.
A Christmas Carol serves as a warning, a
threat even, that you better get into the holiday spirit OR ELSE. Failure to comply puts you at risk for psychological torture in the form of intense spectral hauntings where former colleagues come back from the dead and force you to relive other shitty Christmases. This bad acid trip is led by a slew of self-righteous spirits who wait expectantly for you to cop to your wrongdoings and declare your love for the holidays.
Failure to get on board with obligatory cheer earns you a one-way ticket to eternal damnation where you literally become a yuletide prisoner, bound my chains and forced spent the afterlife terrorizing other non-believers.
Christmas is so indoctrinated into our society that it can be difficult to see the forest for the trees, especially if they are covered in tinsel and tacky ornaments. People like poor, misunderstood Ebenezer Scrooge who dare to reject the holiday spirit are shunned, vilified, and shamed into changing their ways.
Let’s celebrate this Christmas with a little dose of reality. Shut your
wallet and open your mind for a moment and allow me to show you why Scrooge had
it right all along.
Why Christmas Sucks
A Bah Humbug Breakdown
Forced Family Fun
‘“Nephew!”’ returned the uncle sternly, ‘keep
Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine.’”
During the holidays, you are expected to
spend time with people that you rarely (if ever) see except during this time of
year. Chances are, if you don’t see or communicate with someone outside of
Christmas, they’re not someone you want to waste your precious days off with.
Now don’t get me wrong – I love many of my family members dearly, but there are
also some I could take or leave, and others that I would definitely leave. I
would rather spend my time with people whose company I actively enjoy – is that
such an outlandish idea?
This nightmare only doubles when you enter
a relationship and are expected to assume familial responsibilities with your
significant other’s family as well. Depending on the situation, there is a
slight chance that this could go your way (if his family is cooler and gives
you an excuse to ditch your own relatives) although it is much more likely that
it will not (if his family sucks, thus compelling you to pretend to care about
a whole slew of other people in addition to your brood).
Bah Humbug Breakdown
Scrooge is made to look like a heel just
because he doesn’t want to go to his nephew’s house for Christmas dinner. This
is the same nephew that Scrooge was good enough to give a job to, but is that
enough? No, of course not. He should clearly go socialize with his nephew’s family
on his day off. But why? Has anyone considered that maybe the nephew isn’t
Scrooge’s cup of tea? That maybe seeing his nephew’s stupid face day in and day
out at the office is more than enough quality time for Scrooge? That maybe he
doesn’t want to make mindless small talk with the guy’s boring wife or pretend
to give a fuck about his bratty kids. Why does that make Scrooge a dick? He
doesn’t refuse to give his nephew the day off; he just wants to be left alone.
Why is that such a crime?
‘“I wish to be left alone,’ said Scrooge.
‘Since you ask me what I wish, gentlemen, that is my answer. I don’t make merry
myself at Christmas and I can’t afford to make idle people merry.’”
I’m a woman and therefore I’m biologically
wired to put the needs of others before my own. I think about other people all
the goddamn time and I find my own ways to give back or show people I care. I
don’t need a stupid fucking holiday telling me that if I don’t give to the
needy I’m a bad person and I don’t need a season to compel me to be
compassionate.
Bah Humbug Breakdown
In A
Christmas Carol, two gentlemen show up at Scrooge’s office asking him to
give money to the poor. Probably the only thing that most people remember from
this scene is that Scrooge refuses. But Scrooge doesn’t automatically tell the
guys to fuck off. Perplexed, he questions whether some establishments that he
routinely gives to (the prisons, Union workhouses, the Treadmill, and the Poor
Law to be specific) are still functioning. When the men reply that yes, they are
still running, Scrooge says that he already supports those establishments and the
needy should utilize them.
To me, this sounds pretty reasonable. If
Scrooge already gives to these other institutions, why do these guys have to
harass him to shell out more? Not to mention the fact that these guys are pushy
bastards who can’t take a hint. They show up at Scrooge’s place of business
unannounced with this air of entitlement and demand that he pony up more money.
And he’s the rude one?
Financial Frivolity – Tis the Season to Spend Away Your Savings
At Christmas time, even the thriftiest
people lose their heads and with good reason. It doesn’t matter how much debt
you’ve accumulated or how late your bills will be. You must go shopping and
spend, spend, spend! After all, spending money you don’t have is the only way
to tell people that you love them. Duh. After all, caring is quantified and the
kind of gift you give signifies how much you value the relationship.
I’m no innocent here. I played into the
sham for years. I got my first credit card because of Christmas. I was in
graduate school, living at my grandmother’s and student teaching (i.e. working
full-time for free) while going to school. I would pick up shifts as often as possible at the Italian restaurant I'd worked at for years, but it was next to impossible with the demands of the schedule and the coursework. Needless
to say, I was broke. So when Christmas rolled around I should have said no to
the madness and told people that I just couldn’t do it that year. But I didn’t.
Instead, I got myself a credit card and spent money I didn’t have on things
that my family and friends didn’t need. Brilliant.
If you let yourself go rogue, Christmas
can rapidly put you in the poorhouse. Where’s the line? Where does it end? Sure,
you have your immediate family, but then there’s also the extended relatives,
the significant other’s relatives, friends, co-workers, neighbors, the mailman,
your Pilates instructor, etc. We are made to believe that failure to purchase a
scented candle or a Best Buy gift card for them is equivalent to spitting in
their face and telling them that they are a waste of space.
Further upping the ante is the fact that
everyone gets behind this trend. Everyone.
Never are people so united except in their willingness to buy meaningless shit
under the guise that doing so demonstrates their generosity and “holiday
spirit.” Consequently, failure to buy in and shell out renders you a total
douche bag.
Bah Humbug Breakdown
One aspect of A Christmas Carol that people miss is the fact that Scrooge lives
very simply. He’s a self-made man who came from nothing and though he might be
better off than many, his lifestyle is not extravagant. Sure, he keeps his
office (and home) cold, but he’s trying to conserve! It’s not like he’s sits by
a crackling fire while his employees are freezing to death in the other room.
He’s right there in the trenches with them, so I guess he reasons that if it’s
warm enough for him, the sissies can suck it up and put on an extra sweater if
they’re chilly. One might even argue that Scrooge’s aversion to burning excessive
coal marked him as an environmentalist long before going green was trendy.
Be Irresponsible and Be Merry!
“It’s only once a year, sir,” pleaded Bob,
appearing from the Tank. “It shall not be repeated. I was making rather merry
yesterday, sir.”
Bah Humbug Breakdown
You might remember the character Bob
Cratchit, Scrooge’s clerk with the crippled kid? The Cratchits are supposed to
serve as a shining example of family goodness whose sickening, Mormon-like love
for one another transcends their poverty.
The truth is that Bob Cratchit is a
complete asshole. The Cratchits thoughtlessly procreated their way into
poverty; they have like six goddamn kids! I don’t understand why this is Scrooge’s
problem? He was smart enough not to
sire a bunch of ragamuffins he couldn’t take care of and now he’s expected to foot the bill for
gimpy Tiny Tim’s medical problems?
I know what you’re thinking – it’s not
their fault, they didn’t have adequate birth control, blah, blah, blah. I had
the same thought, so I did a little research and what do you know? By the
mid-1800s (when Charles Dickens wrote A
Christmas Carol) contraceptive technology had moved beyond the methods that
had been used for centuries. People had already been using condoms made out of
animal intestines for a long time, but now they also had not rubber condoms, douching
syringes, “womb veils” (otherwise known as diaphragms) and IUDs at their
disposal. By the 1870s, chemical suppositories and vaginal sponges were also
available at pharmacies.
Unfortunately, in 1873, there was a
backlash and the Comstock laws were implemented. In 1843, however, there was no
good reason for the Cratchits to have six little rug rats they couldn’t afford to
take care of. Adding insult to injury, Bob Cratchit is kind of laissez-faire for a guy with like seven people
dependents. That shiftless motherfucker has the audacity to show up late the
day after Christmas! You’d think he’d be a little more responsible or show some
initiative and go above and beyond.
Far from it. On the contrary, Scrooge is
the one on trial for the crime of being responsible and self-sufficient. To
make amends for his wickedness, Scrooge not only excuses Cratchit’s tardiness,
but also doubles his salary. Really people, what message does that send? Go ahead
and reproduce your way into poverty – don’t worry, someone else will clean up
the mess!
Good Saint Nick and Other Consumerist
Propaganda
Children receive enough messages that
reinforce the idea of wanting shit they don’t need. They also live in a
distorted reality where they believe the world revolves around them. Christmas
capitalizes on both under the guise of seasonal magic. Although Christmas is
supposedly intended to bring children joy, the shameless propaganda that
accompanies this holiday actually wreaks enduring psychiatric havoc. I would
argue that Christmas: (1) Destroys intrinsic motivation by
instilling the idea that children should exhibit some human decency only so
they can receive presents, (2) Cultivates consumerism and teaches kids to equate “family time” with their parents shelling out money for shit they don't need, (3) Sets them up for disappointment through
the Santa fabrication and forever makes them doubt their parents' word.
Bah Humbug Breakdown
Kids today already have it too easy; they
can’t even legally work until they’re 16! Since the establishment of child labor
laws, every day is Christmas for kids in America.
In addition, Christmas also reinforces the
idea that having children innately enriches people’s lives and thus implies
that those who are childless are sad. Scrooge was able to build a sustainable
lifestyle largely because he didn’t have kids but A Christmas Carol insinuates that because he’s alone he’s an
unhappy miser. Maybe Scrooge just enjoys the peace and quiet. Maybe he just
doesn’t want to bring children into the shitty world. But instead, the
implication is that Scrooge’s life is empty and he should fill it by rewarding
the reproductive irresponsibility of others.
The Bottom Line
Santa is for suckers! Let’s take back bah
humbug and make Scrooge synonymous with smart. I urge you to say no to ho ho ho
and stop allowing societal pressure to dictate what you do during this
so-called holiday season. Make your own holidays and make your own rules. Screw
the sanctimonious pricks who try to guilt you into doing otherwise (I’m talking
to you, Tiny Tim). In short, have yourself a very Trippy Christmas.
