When Your Mac n Cheese Has Needs

Am I the only one who thinks social media has crossed the line into harassment? If a person persisted in trying to be your friend no matter how many times you refused and then began showing up everywhere you went insisting that you had to like them, poke them, or follow them, wouldn't you call the police?

It’s gotten to the point where I can’t do anything anywhere without being subjected to incessant requests to “like” or “follow” everything and everyone in the whole goddamn world. I find it obnoxious that I can’t go online, watch a show, or leave my house without an onslaught of whiny bitches trying to get me to participate in some imaginary popularity contest being held in a the land of make believe.

These requests might not be so terrible if the things I was being asked to like or follow weren't so retarded. Nevertheless, I’ve taken the same approach you would with any obsessed stalker; I’ve been clear and consistent in my rejection and ignored all advances and propositions by the obsessed. I’ve been decisive, blunt to the point of being cruel, and careful to never offer false hope. I've also tried to ignore it, hoping that by not giving social media the attention it craves, it would eventually take the hint or lose interest. On the contrary, this approach only seems to encourage its desire to recruit me.

While I have learned to mask my mounting revulsion for a society where everyone desperately needs validation from complete strangers, it's gone far beyond that. Now people have projected their neediness onto inanimate objects. Products. Things. Does no one else find it odd that every single thing you buy - rubber bands, lampshades, mold remover, cat litter, orange juice – now insists, demands, or pleads that you follow or friend them?

I’m beginning to feel like I need to set these products straight. Like a wildly delusional and insecure girlfriend, they think they’ll eventually wear me down and get me to commit to them and declare my allegiance publically. Ha! I wouldn’t even do that for a HUMAN, so I’ll be damned if I’m going to do it for an item on my grocery list. I think it’s time to have The Talk.

There’s a couple ways to approach this, but I recommend the second option. The first is a punk move that’s likely to send mixed signals and give false hope.

Option #1 - Punk Ass Bitch

Which one do you love enough to like?

Cheese has needs too!

No, I will not “like” you on Facebook, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Don’t get me wrong, you’re cool and all and I do like you, I just don’t Facebook like you. No, you didn't do anything wrong, MC, but my love of squeeze cheese and noodles only goes so far. When did you get so needy? Must I really make a public declaration to validate our relationship? Why ruin a good thing by putting labels on it?

Option #2 – Man Up

No, I will not follow you on Twitter, shampoo-I-bought-on-sale at Dollar General. I bought you because you were cheap and I was in the mood for a deep moisturizer. But next month, it could be a different story depending on how dry my ends are how low you’re willing to go. “Following” you on Twitter would suggest a continuity that’s not in the cards for us and I don’t want to lead you on. Here’s what’s going to happen: I’m going to use you all up and throw you out (well, recycle you if possible) because after you clean my dirty, dirty hair, I have no use for you, shampoo. Follow you on Twitter? Bitch, please. The only thing following you is conditioner.

If you feel yourself starting to get soft, you can call upon the master of putting trifling hoes in their place, rapper Too Short.  

          “You {insert product} get to ride, get used all the time,
          I ain’t made the situation I just made the rhyme
          Adapt to my surroundings, look around
          Nothin but pimps, tricks, and hookers found.”